Dad speak

Do you ever listen to what I am telling you? Clean the ear wax out of your ears.

Dad speak

Sometimes I wonder if you and I are from the same planet.

Dad speak

Do you think we have a money tree in the back yard?

Dad speak

Being a parent is like being a police officer. I have to make sure you are not breaking the law.

That voice

In the middle of the night, that voice you hear. It is not your stomach. Not your dream. It is your pain in the ass cat wanting something.

Mom's cold pizza

Last weekend, I gave Mom some left over pizza from a Saturday night meal at a favorite old hangout.

Thinking ...

Is there really such a thing as thinking outside the box during a litter box visit?

The look

The only way to defeat "the look" is to bounce it back at the person shooting it at you.

Don't poo poo this book

Before the shit hits the fan on your next date, you might want to read this book — "How to Poo on a Date: The Lovers' Guide to Toilet Etiquette."

Life observations: Dec. 4, 2013

Do smart asses have smart shit?

Life observations: Nov. 20, 2013

When in a meeting with the big wigs, check the pulse of the room and draw strength from those speaking. Then excuse yourself from the room and let the gas out.

Life observations: Aug. 27, 2013

What's better: Running around like a chicken with its head chopped off, or having your head stuck up your ass?

Life observations: Aug. 13, 2013

Wouldn't it be nice if we had upgrades like computers?

Life observations: June 20, 2013

Meetings at work should last 51 minutes. You need nine minutes to prepare for the next one.

Life observations: June 9, 2013

Just wait a minute. Someone will top the stupid thing you just did.

Life observations: June 6, 2013

Don't try to be a mind reader. It just adds to the confusion inside your head.

Life observations: June 1, 2013

After using a weed eater, please remember to clear the grass clips out of the flower bed around the big rock in the front yard.

Life observations: May 31, 2013

You can use the bi-directional turn lane for a passing lane.

Life observations: May 23, 2013

Here's a way to say no to someone trying to sell you something over the phone. Just say: "I don't want to talk any more. You have a nice day." It may be better to say the sentences in opposite order.

Life observations: May 18, 2013

Put a smile on the face of the cashier by doing a random act of kindness or humor. You may learn the cool stories of customers past who have made them laugh.